Monday’s Nun: 3/10/08

Re: Please don’t do that again…

Dear Mister, Mister–

Where to begin?  Like most written confessions, this is just as much for me as it is for you.  Nevertheless, I’m hoping it will shed a little light on my past behaviour…  

From your last note, it appeared to me as if you were feeling slightly guilty.  And, if I’m correct (in believing that you were feeling some guilt), I really wish that you wouldn’t.  ’cause it was all me.  honestly, all me.  I dangled the bait– you bit– and then I yanked the hook from your mouth (all the while seemingly punishing you for it by making you believe I was more honorable– or stronger– than you).  

But, I’m not strong… or honorable.  I was, quite simply, an ass: albeit an ass in the form of a frightened-insecure-formerly-betrayed-wife who didn’t want to “come in second” yet again to another woman.  Or, to put it even more bluntly– I was too insecure to compete with your wife.  I mean, what if I wasn’t good enough… again?  See, the truth is not so pretty… and definitely not honorable.

So, the honor and strength belong to you.  Period.  And, I really needed you to know that. 

Lastly, I understand that I totally blew it with you… and I understand why I’m not ”good” for you.  And, because I’m me– insecure, fickle, and confused– just knowing that you’ve asked me to stay away makes me want you even more.  Pathetic, huh?  

And, I’m so very sorry.  Because, ironically, the only thing I ever really wanted– besides a cold beer on a summer’s night with a friend– was to be good for someone.

Forgive me Father for I have sinned…

it’s been nine years since my last confession and these are my sins–

• I’ve said the “F” word countless times
• I’ve called off sick from work when I haven’t been sick
• I’ve cursed under my breath at stupid drivers
• I’ve cursed out loud at really stupid drivers
• I’ve used the office copier for personal copying
• I stole a bottle of white-out from the office
• I attempted to seduce my highschool sweetheart but chickened out
• I haven’t been to church in nine years because I just haven’t felt like it

Done.  Nine years of sins…   (fuck, i’m boring).